Gay Andy

April 5, 2010

I Get Emails

Filed under: Uncategorized — gayandy @ 5:09 pm

I am a mentor and working with psychologist for troubled LGBT teens. I was thrust into this position and willfully and naively took it not knowing what I was getting myself into. The psychologist I work with, while a great person, was also not prepared for this as well. We were helping four kids who were in Jr. High. Their parents gave consent for them to work with us to help manage their depression. What the parents did not know is that their children were LGBT. While working with the children we soon realized they wanted to come out and tell their parents. Being of such young ages, 12-14, we were terrified what the outcome would be; given that the parents of these children were extremely religious and their pastors were not shy of condemning homosexuality to the absolute. We ended up reaching a compromise, albeit that if failed. We told the kids we would work with their parents to get them to be more accepting and if they felt safe they could come out to their parents when we were with them and with an officer just in case.

It was a long five weeks working with these parents. While they listened to our words they did not hear them. Oddly enough they did not even suspect why the mentor and psychologist they allowed their child to go see was talking about homosexuality in a positive light to them. They were so void of even the notion that their child might be gay or could be gay that they couldn’t connect our words to their child. All this time we asked the four kids to not come out to their parents. Unfortunately, after each session with the parents we knew the diamond wall we were beating our heads against wasn’t going to smudge let alone scratch. After each session we were told by the parents that they would think and pray on our words, but would also talk it over with their pastor. Myself and the doctor who I work, we felt the situation was hopeless.

I ended up calling shelters all over the city trying to find who was accepting to LGBT and could provide them a safe and comforting place, if these children were kicked out of their homes. I found only one. The other shelters reminded me that “homosexuality is a sin” but they “do not hate the sinner.” It was frustrating and also a rude awakening on my part. The parents refused to watch the videos from Soul Force’s website, or videos we gave them. The arrogance they instilled was uncomfortable and it also made the children even more anxious.

Finally two and a half weeks ago the ice broke. One of children called my house phone telling me what happened. Their mother was threatening to harm them. I called my doctor and he got in touch with child services and the authorities and we had the children removed. That week was an absolute nightmare. The children called me when their parents were asleep telling me the horror stories. By the next day of coming out the parents had completely disowned their children, both physically and mentally. It was horrendous. I was able to get four beds for these kids and luckily now we have three homes for them and hopefully one for the last child. When we tried to contact the parents, with the authorities, they threatened us and demanded that we tell them what we did to their children to force them into the “homosexual lifestyle.” As of now they don’t even care what happens to their children and it horrifies me.

As a survivor of extreme religious abuse at the hands of the ex-gay ministries, I know the evil religious individuals can do in what they think is good. I have studied religion, psychology, and LGBT people all my life since I was 13. Never have I witnessed firsthand of a child being destroyed because their parents beliefs about them they accepting that they are LGBT. I don’t know if you can give me advice either… All I know is that what has happened has happened… and I am terrified that there is nothing that can be done. These parents were good parents, who would die for their children… now they don’t even care if their children are dead. One parent won’t even acknowledge that their child even existed at all. Is this the true nature, the pinnacle of religion when it is used as a weapon? I have never experienced this before and the doctor I work with has not either. We never could have imagined in our lives that parents could this bigoted against their children.

Please forgive me for having only this bad news to bring you. I need to know in the future what we can do in case this happens again. Thank you and take care.



  1. Andy, that is one of the best posts I have seen on your blog. And that is exactly some of the points I have been making about conservative and religious fundamentalism and extremism. When it robs people of the ability to think for themselves rationally and logically. And the main reason why I have been commenting on some of the young gay blogs to help lend support. What a horror for these beautiful young gay teens to be ostracized by their own parents and made to feel like they are evil; how could people be so ignorant in this modern day and age. The good news is that the trend is getting better so there is hope. bfn – Wayne

    Comment by wayner — April 10, 2010 @ 6:19 pm | Reply

  2. Wow, truly an interesting story…It's not bad for you to write bad news, its ok, it's great that you help those children, even if the results weren't the expected…It's tough to think that some people in their roots wont accept LGBT, just because, be it religion or other views, and its even worse for those people to be parents, it's truly sad, but I applaude your help.

    Comment by Eye — April 10, 2010 @ 9:44 pm | Reply

  3. Andrew:this e-mail is so god damned fuckin bogus, it makes me sick. Especially since I, with over 20 years in the field, fell for it. For a total of two hours. I'm embarassed that I didn't see the absolute bullshit he presented immediately.I'm too worked up right now to fully explain how I came to the conclusion that this letter is bogus. I'm sure other commenters will come to the same conclusion.dmc

    Comment by Anonymous — April 11, 2010 @ 12:21 am | Reply

  4. @ Anony – I have no way of verifying if the email is real or a made up fairy tale. I passed it along to my viewers so everyone can reach their own conclusions. But I do have to say that I've heard true stories of teens being kicked out of their homes for coming out and sharing that they're gay with their parents. NPR did a whole series on gay teens who have been kicked out of their house for being gay. So there must be some truth to this email.

    Comment by gay Andy — April 11, 2010 @ 1:48 am | Reply

  5. Well, Andy, this letter may or may not, be true… It really doesn't matter, tho, because the basic facts apply to similar experiences that I've had with kids in my own life… It has NOTHING to do with the teachings of Christ, by the way… So, when that bandwagon starts to roll, let it go!! Zealots are zealots… it doesn't matter what the cause… They are stupid people that lack intellectual curiosity, and need others to fill their heads with this sort of cruel nonsense… The amazing part of this, tho, is that many of them don't awaken from their brainwashed stupor, even when their own children are at risk!! They will someday find their own private room in hell… I have NO doubt!!In the meantime, when a young gay kid comes to me, I always counsel him to be extremely cautious with his 'secret' and try to learn everything that I can about the support mechanisms that he has in his life… If it becomes apparent that he has narrow-minded assholes for parents, there is NO way that I would tell him to reveal his true self to them until he is majority age and/or has become financially independent of them, in every way (schooling/tuition included).It can be a crummy world out there… It is incumbent on us, as adults with experience, to lead the way for change, and to be cognizant of the role of a loving God in that equation… Throwing out the baby with the bath water has not and never will be, the proper decision… Never give up, or give in… the message will eventually win out… luv, tman<3

    Comment by tman — April 11, 2010 @ 3:21 am | Reply

  6. I'm not sure how the DMC think it's fake but from my stand point if the parents really did act like this then I doubt they would have stayed with these people to treat their kids b/c they would have left at the 1st mention of homosexuality in a positive light.I do think the basic idea (dangerous levels of religion, homosexual kids, ect) is true but I don't think this happened

    Comment by Ethan — April 11, 2010 @ 4:22 am | Reply

  7. I stand by my assertion that this e-mail is bogus. In fact the more I think about it, the more I'm positive. It's beyond unbelievable. My only regret in writing is that I used language that is uncharacteristic of me.My main concern, however, is the guy's motive. I see a person who's been damaged because he came out. Now he's attempting to spread the message to not make the same mistake. If the guy had said that one or two boys had this experience with the same results, I would have been skeptical. But four? And all four abondoned? And all within a few weeks? And he's writing 16 year olds for advice? I could go on.For Andy and Rike: don't get involved with this guy.dmc

    Comment by Anonymous — April 11, 2010 @ 10:43 am | Reply

  8. The happiest time of my day is when my grandson comes bursting trough my door. The saddest is when he has to go home. It's been that way since he was first able to walk the 100 feet to my home. I have other grandchildren, but this little guy is now and always has been and always will be my favorite. Words can't describe how much I love him. He told me earlier this year he thought he might be gay. From what he told me, It seems likely he is. But his sexual orientation couldn't possibly change the way I feel about him. I'd gladly give my life for him.If he should decide to come out, I'm positive my son would not disown him. And if for some crazy reason, he did, my daughter in law would most likely make her husband leave rather than giving up her son, who by the way, is obviously her favorite also. And if they both lost their senses, the boy would have a home with me or any of his uncles. Of this I'm positive.This story will no doubt have a happy ending.dmIII's grandpa

    Comment by Anonymous — April 11, 2010 @ 6:33 pm | Reply

  9. @ dmIII's grandpa – you're the type of grandpa that any gay boy would be proud to call his grandpa. I know I would.

    Comment by gay Andy — April 11, 2010 @ 10:12 pm | Reply

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