Gay Andy

April 2, 2010

Sexually Abused as a Child … and I Liked It

Filed under: Uncategorized — gayandy @ 9:35 pm

Being sexually molested as a child was not as traumatic an experience as was growing up in a house devoid of affection. As twisted as it may sound, when sexual abuse introduces warmth to a boy’s cold and lonely existence, how immoral the molester’s deed is becomes virtually insignificant.

It may be wrong to say, as a child sexual abuse survivor, that molestation became my sole source of attention and affection, but it truly was the case. However, whether the molested child lets it happen voluntarily and goes back for more, once he gets “used” to it, is debatable.

After a quarter of a century of internal turmoil and upheaval, I am starting to view my precocious introduction to sexuality as less of an issue. I was being cruelly battered and devalorized at home; at least my molesters did not use physical violence or awfully-crude language with me. In fact, the excitement behind the very thought of getting non-violent, feel-good affection reduced the immorality of the act to ashes.

My experience with sexual abuse is certainly benign compared to a lot of other people’s own, as I was sexually touched more than anything else. Indeed, anal intercourse never took place, even if one guy did try to no avail. My experience involved making out, touching, grinding and rubbing, which I now have almost no shame confessing having enjoyed immensely.

I don’t know if I should call these guys ‘abusers’ or ‘molesters’ because, after objective and fair analysis, they did not harm me physically. Would “my source of illicit physical closeness” be a more appropriate appellation? I am aware they could have hurt me, but they did not. Many of these guys were mostly teenage neighbors who came from seemingly ‘normal’ families, except maybe for my nanny’s teenage son, who lived right next door.

Mom found out about he and I — she, actually, caught us right after the act — but chose to say nothing to the guy’s father, whom she tremendously respected. However, she cowardly had me break the embarrassing news to my then-best friend, who happened to be the guy’s sister and who confronted her brother about it in my presence, a few months later; I remember her looking at me with such angry sympathy when her brother exclaimed that “that’s all in the past!”

What hurts about my experience with sexual touching is my incident with a male babysitter, who was the assistant of one of mom’s “friends.” Mom used to frequently leave me with him until the wee hours of the winter morning while she partied the night away. I recall watching cartoons really late to resist falling asleep, but I always dozed off to open my eyes and find myself in his arms, on his lap, with his tobacco-stinking mouth devouring my lips and his loins rubbing against me.

One evening, I complained about that in graphic detail to mom and she promised to have him replaced. The next night, and many nights that followed, I found myself alone with him again. Face to face. Buttocks to loins. Educated childhood innocence to unscrupulous adult lust. A suffocating feeling of betrayal to a stunned feeling of lucking out. A justified future grudge to careless bestial insensitivity.

To this day, she swears I never told her about it …

Andy found this story HERE



  1. Hi Andy ooo my soooo sad, and sicking. Hugs Dean

    Comment by wetcool1 — April 12, 2010 @ 9:48 pm | Reply

  2. Well, there's all kind of experiences out there in this vast world… I won't say that I doubt this guy's experiences or his feelings… I mean, it's obvious that a return of affection to a love starved boy would be a welcome thing to most boys. The conundrum tho, is the line that was crossed by the adult… I can't say that I follow the logic of this letter… It's not clear why, if this guy didn't feel abused, he experienced such 'upheaval and turmoil' in his life… Affection is one thing, sex is another…Were the guys that had contact with this boy, teenagers?? All of them?? It really is quite convoluted, to say the least, and I know from my own personal experience, that I didn't enjoy sexual contact with adults in my youth…. I guess it's possible that other kids might feel differently about that, but, I truly doubt that there would be many young boys that would feel truly loved after being coerced into sexual acts by older guys… There is a razor thin line here, and the down side is huge and can be terribly painful to too many kids to be considered w/o skepticism… luv, tman<3

    Comment by tman — April 12, 2010 @ 10:55 pm | Reply

  3. There is a lot of homosexuality in the Arab world; especially the older-younger kind. Is it any wonder considering the attitudes they have towards women. Oscar Wilde called it 'the love that dare not speak its name!' It occurs naturally among chimps and bonobos. Its called 'molestation' no matter how consensual and affectionate it is (and most of it is). Civilized society is in total denial over youth sexuality; given the chance, young boys absolutely love sex. One could argue that sex with young girls could result in pregnancy, while that is not the case with young boys; but legally they are the same. Anyway, arguing for the truth in this matter can get the witch-hunt finger pointed at you; as far as the media is conncerned it is abuse, sexual assault and rape in every single case. In some cases adults who use intimidation and force richly deserve a prison term. But I think most other legal cases are tragedies destroying both 'victim' and defendant for the consensual sexual activity they have had. This is a result of huge changes in sex offence laws in the 80's making it very easy to convict men without proof. Again, know the age-of-consent laws in your country/state and protect yourself. They are not called jail-bait for nothing. Btw, Andy, be sure and Google 'Oscar Wilde quotations' and get some superb insight into human nature. You'll get a laugh too. bfn – Wayne:)

    Comment by wayner — April 13, 2010 @ 12:43 am | Reply

  4. Hi AndyI had the same kind of realisation about my abuse. I didn't see it as abuse , I was told it was abuse by other adults. The thing with me was , it wans't what he did but why. In the end it became clear the affection was only skin deep. A tool he used to make me believe he really cared. The reality was he was getting his fix with a young boy and thats all he needed.I can totally relate to the physical side not being such a big deal though. It was more the pshycological scar that has never healedCheers KB

    Comment by KB — April 13, 2010 @ 2:09 am | Reply

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